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Please adopt me, Bill Donohue

The Catholic League has started an “Adopt An Atheist” campaign.

Bill Donohue explains:

[Let] them know of your interest in “adopting” one of them. All it takes is an e-mail. Let them know of your sincere interest in working with them to uncover their inner self. They may be resistant at first, but eventually they may come to understand that they were Christian all along.

If we hurry, these closeted Christians can celebrate Christmas like the rest of us. As an added bonus, they will no longer be looked upon as people who “believe in nothing, stand for nothing and are good for nothing.”

I hope that Donohue will consider adopting me as his personal atheist. Fingers crossed, you guys!:

  1. Do you think he might find it in his grey, shrivelled heart to adopt a good for nothing, poor little Australian atheist boy? I sure could do with some of his funds right now.

    December 8, 2011
    • Heintje #

      Did you just say “little…boy”? Well, you are in luck! Bill might not want to adopt you himself, but I am sure he has no shortage of eager priests to recommend ;)

      December 9, 2011
  2. Tired of Humanities #

    I just wanted to say… English and Religious Studies at a University cost me my faith. It was utterly devastating, it ran havoc on my entire world view and I sank into years of suicidal depression which I have never recovered from. I flunked out a semester or two in humanities, and, regardless of the fact that the University was responsible for brutally devastating me, they blame me for not showing up to class when they don’t let me back to study something which I can get a job. I tried to tell them I was at home weeping my eyes out thinking of blowing my brains out, but they don’t care.

    I hate Humanities and I wish I never studied them. Your subjects destroyed my entire life and I firmly believe I will be dead before 30 because of what I was taught in the Humanities.

    Thanks for nothing English Departments.

    December 8, 2011
    • Yes, but now you write well….

      December 10, 2011
    • ttch #

      Somebody screwed you over and now you have to finish the job? Nonsense!

      I am sorry that no one at your school understood or cared that your studies brought you to an existential crisis. But long-term suicidal depression is a biological illness. Please consider getting medical help. I’m certain that with the right psychiatrist (you may need to try more than one) and the right medicine (you may need to try more than one), and an attitude that you can work on getting better despite your pain, you will eventually find relief and a happier life.

      Good luck to you!

      December 11, 2011
  3. Fascinating challenge that you posed to B. Donohue. It would be interesting if this adoption program boomeranged for the Catholic League.

    December 8, 2011
  4. Give ’em Hell, Miranda!

    December 8, 2011
  5. An atheist “maybe a christian but they don’t know it, yet”? I guess it must be that an atheist has not had that experience that would make them come to that realization. I suppose it would be like giving me a really good apple strudel, because I’ve never really had one. Really! Never had one. I suppose if someone, like one of Donohue’s catholic minions, were to give me a really good apple strudel, I could be convinced of anything. I guess that makes me just another pastry whore.

    December 8, 2011
  6. Ed Dietrich #

    *SIGH* Why do the religious always assume that those of us that don’t believe we have a GIANT Bronze Age patriarchal sky god threatening us every moment of our lives are somehow miserable and unhappy?

    December 8, 2011
  7. I can’t get over how patronizing this man is! The arrogance with which he presumes to know all there is to know and the disregard he shows for the intelligence of the atheist community is unbelievable.

    December 8, 2011
  8. Functional Atheist #

    Thanks, Bill Donohue! Not only are you generously seeking to save deeply troubled souls, but I’m sure you intended no slur when your appeal artfully repeated the bigoted, false and hateful assessment that atheists “believe in nothing, stand for nothing, and are good for nothing.”

    The sincerity of Mr. Donohue’s love and respect for atheists could hardly be more apparent.

    The example of Christian love, humility, and charity that this appeal represents boggles the mind, and I fervently hope that Miranda’s deepest Xmas wish is granted, and she is adopted by the beneficent and wise Bill Donohue.

    December 8, 2011
  9. Jason Wayne Lloren #

    I’ll totally adopt you! One minor problem: I already am an atheist and would raise you to, well, have free choice and thought. Sorry. I’m a dick that way.

    December 8, 2011
  10. Golly. Good luck Miranda. I doubt he will be able to resist such heartfealt appeal! While you’re basking in the glory and warmth of all the Catholic luuurve within the bosom of Bill’s family this Xmas, perhaps you could just get him to adopt some Taliban too! I’m fairly sure they don’t realise they’re really Christians.

    December 9, 2011
  11. Gareth #

    Exposure to atheism presents an existential threat to catholicism. Donohue’s latest plan only furthers his contribution to the inexorable decline of his church. Keep up the good work, Big D!

    December 9, 2011
  12. Ah, Miranda… can you imagine what it would be like to be raised by such a parent? Good gawd… gives new meaning to “suffer the little children”!

    Religious reticence knows no bounds. My jaw dropped to run across this site this morning:

    You know, there are times when I really think that our herd needs thinning. The rhetoric that Neanderthals like Donohue use to justify their faith and hypnotize their sheep reminds me of this “engineering explanation”:

    The only think lacking is to pass around the collection plate at the end. :-)

    December 9, 2011
  13. I have decided to throw my hat in, Miranda. I’m terribly sorry, and I don’t mean to crowd the field by out-competing you; however, I have modified the offer slightly. Instead of being adopted, I’ve agreed to be rented for a month by a Catholic (presumably he’d prefer it be Catholic) family or organization for a month during which time I’ll read and study their religion with them and all that other jazz (though I won’t proselytize or harm anyone) on the proviso that if after that month they’ve failed to convert me they tender to me $100,000.

    After all, $100,000 to the Catholic church is quite literally nothing.

    Let’s see if getting an unrepentant, gay, materialist, atheist mathematician is worth it to them. =^_^=

    I have a hunch I shouldn’t wait by my phone for that call.

    (if anyone is thinking of renting me, feel free to let me know on my forums where the very minimal terms and conditions are listed:

    December 9, 2011
  14. I”l be honest, if he actually managed to convert Miranda I would be afraid. I don;t think I need lose any sleep over it just yet though….

    December 9, 2011
  15. Chris Mason #

    That is fantasic M. Bluff calling 101. Keep us abreast of whatever develops.

    Keep your friends close, and have your enemies adopt you.

    December 9, 2011
  16. BillyJoe #

    Hi Miranda, my name is Bill and I’d very much like to adopt you.
    There are some drawbacks, however. I am not Bill Donohue and I am not a Catholic.
    I’d still like to adopt you though.

    December 10, 2011
  17. Notagod #

    Ahh, only a deceptive christian could resist. However, if Donohue were a real christian he would take in a quiverful of atheists. Come on Bill show us you are a real man of dog spelled backwards.

    December 10, 2011
  18. Mr sleepy. #

    Can you adopt me? and I know I am 26 but will you read me bed time stories? Your voice is like the female version on Morgan freeman! but wayyyyyy mor shock & awe looks wise.

    December 11, 2011
  19. I think I’d rather have Phil Donahue adopt me.

    December 14, 2011
  20. From a recent Rebecca Watson complaint about the internet I ran across a picture which made me think of you. What you call kidnapping I call surprise adoption – so maybe Bill is just waiting for the right moment to adopt you. You know how wily those Cat-holics are.

    December 28, 2011

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  1. Catholic League Announces ‘Adopt an Atheist’ Campaign | Friendly Atheist
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